Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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