highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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