I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
this is an emotional support booty call
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
