Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I think I just shit out all my problems.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize