So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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