Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
did i just pee glitter
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
