dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
