Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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