Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
