I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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