I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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