I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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