Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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