Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Randomize
