I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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