I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
