so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize