Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
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