When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Randomize
