Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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