My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize