So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Randomize
