Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
