tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
