Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize