Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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