I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Randomize
