Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
wanna go halves on a baby?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
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