i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
