and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
