His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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