No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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