There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
