the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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