god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
me + whiskey = a bad person
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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