One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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