I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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