If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize