Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
