So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
