the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
