I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
