someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
