Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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