How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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