TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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