i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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