Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
