And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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