my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
