I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
