haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
