i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
