I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
