my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
