And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
