i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
