I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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