did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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