Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
